Church

I have set foot inside a church just once in the last 19 months. Sure, it started because Covid happened and my church shut down and everything went virtual. But after a couple months of watching the livestream, I stopped that, too. Even when we got vaccinated and things started opening up again, we weren’t that eager to go back. Part of the reason was that we knew we were moving and didn’t want to plug back in when we were about to ditch out. But another reason was we just… didn’t want to go, or didn’t need to go.

What I’ve come to really understand over the last year and a half is that the church is not the building, it’s the people. 

Throughout all of this, we still stayed connected with our small group. We still met every two weeks virtually throughout all of the pandemic. As restrictions were lifted, we had a few social distant hang outs. And those intimate conversations were church to me. I felt more of God talking about His Word through my Google Meet screen than I had sitting in a pew in a long time. I even felt more of Him in talking with my friends about other things, just life things, laughing and praying with my brothers and sisters in Christ. That’s what church is to me. 

I mean, the early church was just people meeting in houses, right? Just coming together with fellow believers to read the Scripture and talk and share meals. It’s about fellowship, communion. And I fully believe you can have that in a church building, but you don’t need the church building to have that. And sometimes other things can get in the way of that in the modern church.

I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard my whole life but especially lately about people being hurt by the church. I have a friend who was having doubts about God and left the church, and the treatment she received from her previous fellow church goers only reinforced her decision to stay away. Another friend refuses to officially become a member at any church due to some pain from her past. Another girl I recently met was in a ministry role and suffered spiritual abuse at her last church, so she hasn’t been back. I have personally been hurt at every single church I have been to. I mentioned in a recent blog about that virtual summit I attended on spiritual deconstruction, where people were hurt by those who were spiritual authorities, who were supposed to love them and encourage them, and that led to them leaving the church. One of the girls (Olivia Meeks) in that summit said, “It became abundantly clear that I had been equating the church to God. And now it is a beautiful, redeeming moment in my life that no, running after people in the parking lot is what God does.” And, wow, that quote still gives me chills, because she is so right. You don’t have to sit in the pew in order to hear God’s voice, in order to worship Him, in order to have a spiritual breakthrough or an intimate moment with Him. He is always with us, inviting us to commune with Him in our daily routines. 

Now, once again, I’m not saying that church is bad. It is so beautiful and important to come together with fellow believers to worship. I do think it’s important to have a regular church home where you can have accountability, or maybe even serve. Despite the times I’ve been hurt at church, I keep going back. Because I know that humans are flawed and God is good. A few instances of pain do not define the entire body of Christ. If you are experiencing spiritual abuse or theologically inaccurate preachings, get out. Do not stay in a church that doesn’t feel like home to you. But go find other believers you can meet with outside of a church setting, to pray with you and encourage you in your walk with Christ. And when you’re ready, do try to find another church, one that is home to you and that is life-giving instead of life-draining.

Which is exactly what Colton and I are now ready to do. We are settled in our new city and are now looking for our new church home. We know it’s not about us and our specific worship preferences, but about finding a safe and welcoming place where we can serve God and love others. Yesterday I stepped foot inside a church for the first time in over a year and it felt strange but amazing. Even though I had never been at this place before, it almost felt like coming home. 

The pastor preached from Habakkuk for the Second Sunday of Advent. In the first chapter, Habakkuk has some grievances he wants to air out to God, and God responds “Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.” Habakkuk 1:5 The pastor discussed the hot topic of spiritual deconstruction and said there is a faithful way to go through it. It is okay to doubt and ask questions because we are human, and God knows what it’s like to be human. And when we have those questions, the Church should be the first place we go, because it should be the most honest place in the world. And wow. What a sermon to come back to church to. 

I do think we will be back at this church and will perhaps make it our home. To those who are still struggling with being harmed by the church, spiritual abuse, or doubts in your faith that are keeping you from the church building, I encourage you to reach out to the church people. Good, honest church people who you feel you can talk to about everything, rather than keep it hidden. And to those church people out there, be compassionate, curious, and courageous about your faith, so others know they can come to you when they’re hurting.

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